


Never

by StopIWantToTalkAboutCheese



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Dramatic Irony, Fights, Flashbacks, Hurt No Comfort, Language, M/M, Unreliable Narrator, this aint a happy fic sorry guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:42:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26386582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StopIWantToTalkAboutCheese/pseuds/StopIWantToTalkAboutCheese
Summary: Remus Lupin, the day after the Potters died, and the day after Snape went into the Whomping Willow.Sirius didn’t do this. He would never...
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 19





	Never

It was the full moon last night.

Lupin hated those nights.

It had also been Halloween, which was admittedly funny in its own way. Ever since he had done the math on the dates, Sirius hadn’t stopped asking him “Hey, Moony, what’re you gonna be for Halloween?” and roaring with laughter.

Lily and James had been disappointed that Harry’s first Halloween would be stuck inside, but as Sirius had so eloquently pointed out, “He’s a baby. What’s he going to do? Eat a chocolate bar and say ‘Happy Halloween’? You guys were going to be staying home no matter what!”

Lily had laughed, James had sulked, and in the end they decided to have a party on the thirtieth instead, and had all had a good night. Even Wormtail, who had been oddly ashen that evening, seemed to cheer up towards the end.

But that had been two days ago.

Lupin woke on the morning of November first, with a dry mouth and the usual scratches.

There was an awful, annoying scratching noise. 

Lupin groaned and tugged whatever was nearest– a shredded pillow, lovely– over his head to block out the noise, which immediately increased tenfold.

Letting out a near-feral growl that was probably a leftover symptom of the full moon, Lupin glared at the source of the noise.

There was an owl at the window.

Reluctantly, Lupin dragged himself to his feet and staggered to his window, snatching up the letter and shooing the bird away. He looked at it for a moment, the yellow parchment and heavy paper.

Lupin flipped over the envelope and blinked.

The Hogwarts crest was emblazoned on the front, proud and distinct.

Why in the world would Hogwarts be writing him?

Dread started to fill Lupin’s stomach. This could not be good.

With trembling hands, Lupin opened the letter. 

It was written in what was unmistakably Dumbledore’s hand.

_To Mr. Remus Lupin:_

_I regret to inform you that your friends, Lily and James Potter, were murdered last night, 31 October, by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. They are survived by their son, Harry James Potter, who will be living with his Muggle relatives for the foreseeable future.  
The Dark Lord, however, was also killed in what I can only describe as a freak accident, as his own Killing Curse rebounded off of young Harry. The Wizarding World is safe once more, though it took a great sacrifice to make it happen.  
As I’m sure you are all-too aware of who their Secret Keeper was, I also must sorrowfully tell you that Sirius Black has been sent to Azkaban after a very public duel with Peter Pettigrew this morning. Twelve Muggles were killed in the crossfire, along with Peter. _

_I am so sorry, Remus._

_Professor Dumbledore_

Unwilling to comprehend what that meant, Lupin only stared.

_It isn’t true._

The thought sprung to his mind wildly, randomly, but the second he thought it, he knew in his bones that he was right.

_Sirius didn’t do this. He would never._

Lupin had to go. He had to see for himself. This was just one of James’s stupid pranks. He couldn’t go out on Halloween, so he decided to play a trick on good old gullible Lupin instead. _Good one, James– you got me. You can take a picture of my stupid shocked face and stop now!_

He had to go. He had to see.

_Because it’s not true it’s not true it’s not true it’s not true James you little shit I’ll kill you it’s not true Sirius would never he would never he would never he would never…_

Lupin grabbed his coat and lit the fire, blindly throwing in a random amount of Floo Powder. His heart was in his throat.

_Never. Never. He would never._

* * *

Remus woke up with an aching throat and scratches all over his body.

He groaned in pain.

“Hey, mate,” a soft voice said, and Remus squinted over at the fuzzy silhouette of James Potter, crouching beside him on the floor.

“Hey,” he croaked.

There was a pause, and James was holding a cup of water to his lips. Remus drank thirstily and gratefully.

Blinking, he looked around the room as James leaned back to set the cup down, and for the first time, Remus noticed that his boyfriend and Peter were missing. 

“Where are the others?” he said. “Is it late?”

“No,” James said softly, and then, “well, yeah, but Dumbledore’s giving us the day off.”

“Why?” Remus said blankly. “I feel fine, I can go to class. I always go to class on the day after.”

“Yeah, I know,” James said. “But last night… something happened, Remus.”

He looked so unusually solemn that Remus felt his stomach drop in horror. _Oh, God._

The room swooped, and Remus felt nausea welling up in his gut. 

_Oh God oh God oh God. No, no, no._

“Fuck,” he whispered. “Did I– did I–”

“No!” James said quickly, and a rush of relief swept over Remus like a tidal wave. “No, nobody was bitten, nobody’s dead. I swear.”

Remus slumped back into the pillows. “Then what happened?”

James looked uncomfortable. He kept taking off his glasses to scrub at them, eyes darting all over the room nervously.

“Sirius… he… he told Snape about the Shack,” James said reluctantly. “And… he took Snape here. Last night.”

Remus just stared, unable to comprehend what his friend was saying.

“Sirius told him to go down the passage in the Willow,” James went on, in a very small voice, “and showed him how to get in and everything.” His Adam’s apple bobbed nervously. “Snape followed him in right after you transformed.”

“He wouldn’t!” Remus burst out. “Sirius wouldn’t do that– it was– you were tricked!”

James shook his head.

“Sirius almost killed Sniv– Snape,” James said, and then, quickly, “ _You_ almost…” he cut himself off, but enough had been said.

_I almost._

_I almost._

_Oh, God._

“What?” Remus whispered in a croaky voice.

“I had to ambush you,” James said in a rush. “Drive you back.”

“He– he would never,” Remus said. “Sirius wouldn’t do that. He’s not a murderer, James. He wouldn’t do that, not even to Snape.”

James was silent.

“James?”

“Pomfrey had to come in and fix you up,” James said, and Remus could see that his eyes were welling up with tears. “I gored you pretty good.”

Remus sat up suddenly, uncaring for James’s yelp and his own body shrieking at him in pain. He scrabbled for the hem of his shirt and yanked it up.

There, right in his gut, were two perfect red circles. There was nothing that could do that to a werewolf. A Muggle gun’s bullets would go straight through him. Silver would have killed him. There was nothing that could have caused scars of that shape.

Nothing except the antlers of a stag.

It was true.

Remus let his head thud back against the pillow and let his eyes squeeze shut, not even bothering to stop the tears.

* * *

Lupin slid out of Bathilda Bagshot’s fireplace with an ashy thump. In her rocking chair on the other side of the room, Bagshot was looking at him, face white. He was sure that he looked awful. He was still wearing his torn clothing, was still scratched-up and bleeding, and now he was covered with ash.

“I have to–” Lupin stammered, scrambling to his feet. “I have to–”

“I heard,” she said. “Go.”

He ran.

He ran past all of the familiar shops and homes, all of the familiar Muggle haunts.

He passed the graveyard, and later he would realize that if he hadn’t been running so fast he would have seen two new headstones and two fresh piles of dirt and two deep, deep holes, waiting for the twin coffins to arrive.

But he didn’t see it. 

He just kept running.

_Sirius would never. He loved James. He loved Lily. He loved Harry, He wouldn’t do that. Never, never, never. He hated Voldemort, he hated the Death Eaters, he hated everything Dark._

_He would never._

Lupin rounded a corner and kept going, for once in his life wishing for the speed of a werewolf. 

Gasping for breath, he could do nothing but run on, panting and sweating in his torn clothing, aching and exhausted from a sleepless night that he had spent as a monster while his friends were dying. 

_Maybe I wasn’t the only monster awake last night– no, no, no! Sirius would never!_

The pounding of his feet was in tandem with the thudding in his head and his heart.

_Never. Never. Never. Never._

* * *

It took two days for Sirius to seek him out again.

Remus was sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, nibbling on a snack, when Sirius flopped down in the seat beside him. 

“Hey, Moony,” he said.

Remus did not respond.

“I said hey.”

Again, Remus did not reply.

“Oh, are you still mad about the Shack? Come on, mate,” Sirius said. “It was just a prank. Just a bit of harmless fun. Nobody got hurt. ‘Cept James’s hands, they got a bit scraped up, but Pomfrey fixed him up, so no harm, no foul.”

“Oh, so I guess James’s hands are why you’ve been avoiding me for the past two days,” Remus said as coldly as he could, taking an angry bite of toast.

“Can’t you take a joke? I was only giving you time to cool off,” Sirius said. He reached for Remus’s hand, but Remus snatched it away. “Oi! Hey, look, it wasn’t my fault!”

“Yeah, nothing’s ever your fault, is it?”

Sirius froze.

Remus risked a glance up at him. Sirius’s face was stunned, but as Remus watched, his expression slowly morphed into something like ice. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Remus said acidly. “It’s not your fault you let every girl within fifty miles flirt with you when I’m standing right there. It’s not your fault you’re provoked into cursing people every other day. It’s not your fault you almost turned me into a FUCKING MURDERER!”

“I’m in the closet!” Sirius shouted back. “You know what my family would do to me if it came out that I’m– I’m– a f–”

“Yeah!” Remus yelled back. “I do! And I’m not asking you to come out, Sirius, I’m asking you to TURN THE GIRLS DOWN!”

“Jeez, Remus, fine! God, you know I’d never–”

“The way you look at them, I wonder sometimes–”

“It’s called keeping up a cover!”

“Plenty of people don’t date, Sirius! Plenty of guys keep to themselves and don’t look at girls and don’t bully random people in the hallways!”

Sirius was standing now. “Look, I didn’t think Snivellous was gonna go as far as he did! I only meant to rattle him a little, honest!”

“ _Rattle_ him? He almost died! I almost–” Remus wanted to throw up. “ _I_ almost–”

“Yeah, but you didn’t, did you? James got to play the big hero!”

“It’s not play! It’s not a fucking game! I’m not in control, Sirius! I’m _never_ in control!”

“Well, if you can’t take one stupid fucking joke, then maybe we shouldn’t be together anymore!”

Remus could see the second Sirius realized what he had said. His mouth opened and closed like a fish. He looked stunned, like he couldn’t believe the words that had come out of his own mouth.

Shaking his head, Remus started gathering up his books.

“Wait, I’m sorry. That was– it was just a reflex, Remus! My mother– look, tell me what I can do,” Sirius said, clearly trying for calm but coming out aggressive instead. “I don’t want to break up with you. I love you. I’m sorry. I can fix it, I promise.”

“You almost tricked me into murdering someone, Sirius,” Remus said tiredly. “I don’t give a fuck about Snape or the girls or _you_ anymore. We’re over.”

He stood up and snatched up his bag. Sirius was staring at him, mouth wide open, like he couldn’t believe what was happening.

Remus stormed off into the hall.

* * *

Lupin was running down the street, feet pounding against the pavement.

_He would never._

_Sirius almost killed Sniv– Snape._ You _almost…_

_He would… never._

_Twelve Muggles. Three wizards. One survivor._

_Just a prank._

_Just a bit of harmless fun._

_Can’t you take a joke?_

_I only meant to rattle him a little, honest!_

_Oh, God. Oh, God._

_He would, wouldn’t he?_

Lupin skidded to a stop in front of the Potters’ address, breathing hard, unwilling to believe what he was seeing.

His eyes didn’t slide over it. His feet didn’t automatically want to keep walking. His brain did not try to convince him that there was nothing there.

The Fidelius charm was gone. Lupin could see the house perfectly.

The roof was nearly gone. The walls were crumbling. The windows had been blown out. It was eerily silent, but Lupin could swear he could still hear screams in the wind.

_Oh, my God, Sirius, what have you done?_

Lupin staggered forwards, pushing the gate inwards. Once he was on the property, it was like he was given a new wind, and he raced to the front door.

It was already open, just lying ajar.

 _Lily hates it when her door gets left open for no reason,_ Lupin thought half-hysterically, and clambered into the shell of the house, shutting the door firmly and tightly behind him.

The interior of the house was just as wrecked as the outside. There were footprints everywhere, Lupin assumed they belonged to neighbors, or maybe reporters.

There were no bodies. Somebody must have already moved them.

Lupin made his way through the silent house, feeling like a ghost. There was the cookbook Lily swore by. There was the toy broom Harry loved to play with. There was the photo album James had painstakingly put together. There was the half-finished puzzle on the dining room table. There was a bottle of spilled formula on the counter.

Oh… formula.

Formula.

For Harry.

Oh God, what about Harry? Little baby helpless Harry, sent to live with the very same Muggles who rejected his mother and despised everything that he was? 

How would he survive?

 _I could take him,_ Lupin thought, half-wildly, but even as he thought it he knew he couldn’t. Lupin could barely support himself, let alone a baby. And the apartment might be soundproof and the bedroom might be werewolf-proof, but just what the hell was he supposed to do with Harry on the full moon? Bite him and form their own little pack of two? Like hell. He would never do that to anyone, let alone a defenseless child. Let alone a baby who had already gone through the wringer. He wouldn’t let Harry go though the hell he’d gone through.

Surely the Muggles would treat him well. Little Harry Potter, after all, was not his mother. Surely Petunia wouldn’t hold a grudge against an orphaned child who had nary a friend in the world.

“Mrow?”

Lupin whipped around, wand raised and mind racing. Was it McGonagall? Dumbledore, making some odd noise? Sirius, come to finish the job while making one last ill-timed joke? 

But no.

Instead, a shaggy orange cat poked its head out from behind a bookshelf, watching Lupin with wary yellow eyes.

“Sunny,” Lupin breathed.

The Potters’ cat blinked up at him from where it was sitting wedged behind the bookshelf, staring at him suspiciously.

Slowly, Lupin knelt, holding out a hand to the cat. Cautiously, the cat moved into the light, taking carefully measured steps towards him. 

Still acting guarded, Sunny sniffed at Lupin’s hand. Evidently, he seemed familiar enough, because the cat relaxed and pushed its head into Lupin’s palm, purring.

Lupin gently picked up the cat.

He walked outside of the empty house, the hollow shell that held nothing but ghosts and memories.

Lily was dead. Peter was dead. James was dead.

And Sirius had done it.

Lupin sat down on the ruined steps of the house, clutched Sunny close to his chest, and cried.

**Author's Note:**

> OK, just want to clear a couple of things up…  
> I don't hate Sirius Black. I'm just trying to write this from Remus's POV, on one of the worst nights of his entire life. In this fic, he's biased by his experience with Snape and the Whomping Willow, he's in shock, he's grieving for his friends. I'm just trying to explain why he might so completely believe that Sirius was the Secret-Keeper, and therefore the sellout of the Mauraders, for thirteen years without any doubt.


End file.
